Christmas.
It should be a time of joy and celebration. So what am I doing right now? I'm laying in my bed in the dark, chilling on tumblr, trying not to cry, and hiding from the world.
Christmas to me doesn't remind me how blessed I am, it just reminds me of the loneliness I feel. It reminds me that my extended family doesn't want me around. It reminds me that I will never measure up.
I don't remember the last time that I felt real, true happiness. Everything has been so forced lately. I feel like I'm walking around with this plastic smile plastered onto my face and I don't really want to keep living like this. I'd rather just...not be alive.
I've been seeing my doctor regularly for medical monitoring - and he's beginning to think that I'm bipolar. I've been getting so manic lately. Staying up for days and days on end, not getting tired, feeling incredibly impulsive and suicidal, planning things, etc. My highs are really, really high and my lows are really, really, really low.
I'm so tired of this. I just want to be free. One way or another...I don't want to have to live like this anymore.
I hate that Christmas has become a day for me to hide in my room. I hate that I dread going to see family as much as I do.
I had Christmas Dinner #1 last night. I have brunch and Christmas Dinner #2 and #3 to go still. I did well yesterday. My family has no idea that I've relapsed. I'm trying to keep this up, but I just don't know how much longer I can do it. I'm terrified of the food. I'm terrified of gaining weight. I'm just terrified of everything.
Fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment